


an apology letter (an explaination of my stupid behavior)

by orphan_account



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 07:33:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13429929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account





	an apology letter (an explaination of my stupid behavior)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rxinventlove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rxinventlove/gifts).



 

 

 

 _ᴹ ᵃ ʳ ᶜ ʰ_  

 

Brendon's phone buzzed loudly. Ryan was calling him on skype for the first time ever, after two months of texting back and forth. He didn't wait, he couldn't wait ; he picked up right away. "Hi" He heard, and even if it wasn't the first time he was hearing his boyfriend's voice, it felt so much different and something strange rushed through his veins. He couldn't even bring himself to answer with words. He simply giggled, unable to do anything else. For the first time in years, Brendon felt happy.

 

* * *

 

* * *

 

 

  
_ᴶ ᵘ ⁿ ᵉ_

 

 

_11:32ᴘᴍ | ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴏᴠᴇʀ. ᴡᴇ'ʀᴇ ᴏᴠᴇʀ._

 

Brendon sent the text and locked his phone, throwing it away, afraid of the answer he was going to get. He would deserve every single insult Ryan would throw at him, every single name he was going to get called. Would he really be stupid enough to give the whole _"it's not you it's me_ " bullshit? He was _so_ going to look and sound like an asshole. But he was one, after all. That was everything he deserved.

The night didn't make the air any more breathable, didn't make it any fresher either. His bedroom felt so uncomfortably hot, this late June night feeling like a trip in the oven. His phone buzzed. Once, twice. At first, he couldn't bring himself to unlock the phone ; he wouldn't have been able to read through the flow of tears anyway. He felt awful.

He loved Ryan. With all his heart. He _really_ did, and he meant every word he had ever said to him about it. " _It's not you, it's me_ " was actually appropriate for this type of situation. It was never Ryan who had made a mistake. Brendon had made one : allowing himself to catch feelings.

He felt so bad about himself. He hated himself more than anything. Being with Ryan, a thing that had once brought him happiness, just ended up making him feel even worse. Not because he didn't love Ryan. Not because Ryan was a bad boyfriend. It was because Brendon loved him too much, and that _he_ was the bad boyfriend.

Truth was, Brendon didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve to wake up and to be greeted with a good morning text. He didn't deserve to spend his days texting with someone as sweet, as funny, as kind, as beautiful, as perfect as Ryan. He didn't deserve to be praised for everything he did by his loving boyfriend. He didn't deserve to get called cute names, to get attention. He didn't deserve goodnight texts. Ryan shouldn't be wasting his time with Brendon. He couldn't really love him, right? Loving someone like Brendon was _impossible._

His phone buzzed once again, then twice. He unlocked it.

He cried. They talked. They stayed friends, and he cried some more.

 

_03:21ᴀᴍ | ᴡᴀɪᴛ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍᴇ, ᴏᴋᴀʏ? ɪ'ʟʟ ᴀꜱᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ'ᴍ ʀᴇᴀᴅʏ._

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

  
_ˢ ᵉ ᵖ ᵗ ᵉ ᵐ ᵇ ᵉ ʳ_  

 

 

_6:18ᴘᴍ | ɪ'ᴍ ʟᴏꜱᴛ, ʙʀᴇɴᴅᴏɴ. ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴀᴍ ɪ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ? ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴅɪᴅ ɪ ᴅᴏ ᴡʀᴏɴɢ? ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ꜱᴏ ꜰᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴄᴏɴꜰᴜꜱɪɴɢ. ᴡɪʟʟ ᴡᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ɢᴇᴛ ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ?_

 

Phone in hand, Brendon clenched his jaw. Here it was. _The_ talk. He stopped his shopping cart and rubbed his face. He couldn't tell his ex-boyfriend the real reason, right? Quick, an excuse. _Right. Now. "_ I have to go" ? Rude. "I cheated on you" ? No, what the _fuck._

 

_6:19ᴘᴍ | ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ɪ'ᴍ ꜱᴛʀᴀɪɢʜᴛ_

 

He answered without thinking about it, and he facepalmed so loudly that an old lady turned away from her green beans to look at him with wide eyes. Fucking great. Now, it was too late to fix this. He wouldn't get back with Ryan, ever. But that was what he initally wanted, right? Ryan shouldn't waste his time with someone like Brendon. Brendon was unstable, a danger to himself, worthless and pathetic. No one should ever waste their time with Brendon.

 

_6:21ᴘᴍ | ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏʟᴅ ᴍᴇ ꜰɪʀꜱᴛ, ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ. ᴛʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ᴏᴋᴀʏ._

 

Brendon didn't hold the sobs back, leaning on his shopping cart, and the old lady put her green beans back where she had taken them, leaving quickly.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

_ᴼ ᶜ ᵗ ᵒ ᵇ ᵉ ʳ_

 

Brendon woke up, his head hurting like hell and his eyes squinting away from the light. He had forgotten to close the curtains, and the light coming from the white clouds was filling the room, red and orange leaves falling from the trees in front of his window.

What the _fuck_ was happening?

He knew too well that he was hangover. He didn't remember anything, and it felt like someone was pouring some liquid form of regret in his body. Everything felt too much. He gathered whatever was left of his strength to get up and take something, an advil, anything. He also needed to smoke. Almost falling a few times, he managed to get to the kitchen in one entire piece, taking his phone from the table on his way.

Unlocking it, his headache was long forgotten, and he felt his heart stop. Right in front of him, on the screen, unsent texts to Ryan were waiting in line, a red exclamation mark besides every single one of them.

 

_❗ 01:47ᴀᴍ | ɪꜱ ᴛɪʟʟ ʟᴏʙᴇ ʏᴏᴜ_

_❗ 01:47ᴀᴍ | ꜰᴏʀᴛɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ_

_❗ 01:59ᴀᴍ | ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴊᴏᴜ ꜱᴏ ᴍᴜᴄɢ_

_❗ 2:00ᴀᴍ | ɪ ʟɪᴇᴅ ʙᴄ ᴡʜᴏꜱ ᴇᴠʀɴ ꜱᴛʀᴀɪꜰʜᴛ ɪɴ 2017_

_❗ 2:01ᴀᴍ | ꜰᴜᴄᴋ_

 

He deleted them, thankful for whatever powerful force that had stopped these texts from sending.

Ryan shall never, _ever_ know why Brendon had left. Ryan needed to think Brendon was a jerk, that he had thrown him away, that he didn't care anymore. Ryan needed to hate Brendon.

Brendon felt sick and he knew it wasn't because he was hangover.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

_ᴰ ᵉ ᶜ ᵉ ᵐ ᵇ ᵉ ʳ_

 

Snow had fallen where Ryan lives. Not where Brendon lives, though. They never get snow. Instead, it was pouring rain, and he was soaked to the bone and freezing, the temperature had dropped below zero and he felt like an ice cube. Skipping class wasn't the best idea today, but he couldn't take it anymore.

He knew he didn't have much longer to live anyway. He felt it, deep down. He knew it.

It wouldn't be his first suicide attempt anyway, and hopefully, this time would be the last time. He had tried to drown himself before, and the feeling would stay forever in his mind. Everything burned ; his eyes, his throat, his lungs. Every single part of his body had felt like it was on fire. And because Brendon wasn't Brendon without being stupid, he was going to try again, tonight.

He'll close his eyes and take a deep breath underwater, and he'll disappear forever. The burden will be gone.

He took out his phone, barely able to unlock it. His fingers were so, _so_ cold. He had a message from Ryan. He had left for school and he wouldn't check on his phone until tonight.

Now was the right time. Brendon clicked the "block this user" button.

 

**_Ａｒｅ     ｙｏｕ     ｓｕｒｅ     ｙｏｕ     ｗａｎｔ     ｔｏ    ｂｌｏｃｋ     ｔｈｉｓ     ｕｓｅｒ？_ **

 

He wouldn't bother Ryan ever again.

 

  
**_Ｙｅｓ._ **

 

His cold fingers found the way to his lighter, and he took a long drag from his freshly lit cigarette.


End file.
